In bad times, and good, building resilience, and dealing with and
overcoming adversity helps you produce results that matter--in life,
work, and relationships--even when the going gets tough.
After just one day of adversity response training, for example, my
mentor Paul Stoltz reports, elite NCAA swimmers improved their ability
to bounce back after a set back. They also swam faster.
After similar adversity-embracing programs, realtors increased sales
by 250% to 320%! Life insurance sales people nearly doubled their
productivity!
Couples and team members who develop adversity coping skills report
increased communication and cooperation—and have more fun together
Clearly, resilience and the ability to deal with adversity give us an
edge. But not only that, it makes our lives happier, and more
fulfilling.
STAYING RESILIENT IN THE FACE OF ADVERSITY
Resilience, the ability to cope with adversity, overcome stress, and
have the ability to bounce back from diffiulties and setbacks, will be
prized in the years to come.
A worldwide poll of 20,000 people showed that 98% predict a
difficult, changing, even chaotic future. The recent realization that
human beings cause much of global climate change, and the financial
chaos of October 2008, suggest that their predictions are accurate.
Individuals, families, organizations, and businesses all face
accelerating change and increasing adversity.
But, we are naturally resilient. We have the potential to bounce back
from setbacks, to get back up when we are knocked down by adversity.
But, if we don't use it, we lose that ability over time. And, when
multiple adversities stack up on us, we get rigid, less flexible, less
able to bounce back.
But we can increase our ability to overcome adversity and to produce
awesome results—even in difficult circumstances. Learning to cope
successfully with failure and adversity can make us successful, now, and
in the future.
THERE IS NO FAILURE, JUST FEEDBACK
Learning to deal creatively with failure is a key to building resilience.
“Suppose you have tried and failed again and again,” said the actress
Mary Pickford. “You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for
this thing that we call failure is not the falling down, but the staying
down.”
The distinction is important. There is a great difference between
failing to achieve a result and the conclusion you draw from that. Those
who stay down make a judgment that
they have failed, not just
their attempt. Moreover, they often generalize from their “failures” to
illogical conclusions such as, “I am a loser,” and “I will probably
always fail. My life will always suck!”
Therefore, they assume, there is no point in getting up. So they
quit, give up, seek a comfortable niche, lose themselves in alcohol,
other drugs, shopping, or overwork, where they can avoid facing what
they consider failure.
But there is a point in getting up.
Old wisdom says that the sooner we make our first 5000 mistakes, the
sooner we will learn to do anything well. New wisdom talks about “rapid
prototyping”—try many things, fail fast, and often, learn lots, quickly.
Take small risks. Make many small, instructive mistakes. Try, try
again. That is how you learn quickly, in art or business—and life. It is
also the fast track to success.
In art, work, love, and life, there is no failure, just feedback!
OWING THE RESULTS YOU MOST WANT
To cope well with adversity, it is important to stifle the tendency
to blame yourself, circumstances, or other people. When you blame, you
not only give up your responsibility for your own results, you give up
your power to create them.
Also, don’t focus primarily on the adversity, and why it happened.
Instead, focus on a clear vision of the results you truly want—in spite
of the adversity—and ask yourself these kinds of questions.
* Do I truly want this result? Am I willing to work for it?
* What skills, talents, contacts, assets, and other resources to I have that work in my favour? What, if anything, do I lack?
* What actions can I take to get started, and to make it happen?
Stoltz says that the origin of the adversity is not as important as
taking ownership for the results you want, in spite of who or what
caused the adversity.
I once had to give an important speech before a large crowd, and the
public address system quit. Instead of blaming the techs for "screwing
up" and putting off the speech, I chose to stepp down off the stage,
into the crowd, and shout my 45 minute speech. The crowd loved it; they
loved me. I felt great! I'd overcome adversity, shown resiliency, and
created the result I wanted -- in spite of the challenging
circumstances.
You get more creating power if you “choose” the results you want.
Try this: First say to yourself, "I wish I had…" and then add a result you want. And notice how you feel.
Then, say to yourself, “I choose …”, and add the result. Notice how choosing shifts how you feel.
People usually report that choosing results empowers them. It
energizes them. It gives them a clear sense of direction, commitment to
their result, and the power to take action, learn from mistakes, and
follow-through to completion.
BE CAREFUL WITH YOUR SELF-TALK
What many call "self-sabotage" is just you talking yourself out of
choices and action. Pay attention to your self talk, that continuous
stream of chatter that runs through your mind, often without you
noticing it.
Psychologists call it roof brain chatter, ticker tape talk, or
gremlin thoughts. Whatever you call it, self-talk is the almost constant
flow of thoughts, beliefs, stories, judgments, and conclusions you tell
yourself.
We usually don’t know we’re doing it. And we do not realize how much
it affects our moods and actions. But we chatter away to ourselves about
our lives, our actions, other people and their actions, and what
happens to us.
We also make judgments about what happens, and about what we think we
(or they) shoulda, coulda, or woulda” done, and so on. Unfortunately,
this nattering happens mostly outside our awareness.
So, the first step in building resilience is to notice your self
talk, and make it more supportive. Self-talk affects your moods and
emotions, and your actions are motivated by your emotions. “Emote,”
means, “to move.
Unmonitored, self-talk and the emotions it generates, move you in
ways you don’t want to move. But changing your self-talk changes your
actions—and results! If you make a call and are rejected, your self-talk
might sound like this: “I screwed up. I’m no good at this. I’ll never
get it right. What’s the point?”
Does such talk get you pumped for the next call? Not likely!
So catch negative chatter and change it. Say something like," Okay,
that didn’t go the way I wanted. Next time, I will emphasize benefits
before I describe features. Besides, it’s just one call. On to the next
one.”
CREATE SUCCESS—IN SPITE OF ADVERSITY
If adversity knocks you down, get up. Most of success is found is in
getting up and keeping going--in spite of difficulties, problems, and
circumstances.
As Woody Allen said, "85% of success is just showing up everyday."
Success guru Napoleon Hill say: “Every adversity, every failure,
every heartache carries with it the seed of an equal or greater
benefit."
What do you say about the adversities and setbacks you encounter? Be
careful, what you say could make the difference between giving up and
quitting, or taking responsibility for the results you want, and
bringing them into being.
Learning to learn from failure, taking ownership for results you
want, and making sure your self-talk supports success will help you
overcome adversity and build resilience. It will also help you create
the results you truly care about—regardless of the adversity you face.
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Adapted from the ebook
Emotional Mastery: Manage Your Moods and Create What Matters Most – With Whatever Life Gives You! by Bruce Elkin.
